5 Minutes of Couples Therapy

The Gottman Institute has been researching couples for over 50 years. After analyzing data collected from observing over 3,000 couples they determined that there are 4 things happy couples almost never do and struggling couples do all the time. They refer to these as "The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse".

One of the most common of the 4 Horsemen is criticism. In this video I discuss how harmful it can be for an intimate relationship and what you can do to avoid it.

Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce and is extremely harmful to intimate relationships. In this video I discuss why we need to avoid it and what to do to recover from a contemptuous relationship.

Stonewalling is when we shut down because we have been inundated with the other horsemen. In this video I discuss how this is the result of actual physical changes in our body that occur when we feel threatened and what to do when it happens.

Defensiveness is typically a response to perceived criticism. It is not always the result of actual criticism because sometimes we can view a legitimate complaint as criticism. This causes us to go into "survival mode" where we deploy tactics like defensiveness that just don't work in intimate relationships.

Our attachment style defines how we operate in both intimate and other relationships. This style is developed based on experiences from childhood and our relationships with our childhood caregivers. This video briefly explains the 4 main attachment styles.

The Anxious Attachment Style is developed when our childhood caregiver either doesn't meet our needs or is inconsistent with helping us get our needs met. This impacts how we function in our adult relationships and can make intimacy both a source of anxiety and the cure for it.

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to steer clear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They are very independent minded and have a difficult time trusting others. This can make intimate relationships difficult, especially if they are with someone who values emotional intimacy.

 Disorganized attachment is usually developed as the result of significant childhood trauma and is considered the most difficult attachment style to treat. I discuss the symptoms, what it looks like in relationships and offer some ideas for how to heal the wounds at the core of a disorganized attachment style.